Letter to my Depression

You are not my friend, yet we have grown so close. You have been there for me at all times. In my happiest moments, you show up to remind me that I am undeserving of the joy that has found me, or rather, that I have found.

But, it’s for my own good, right? Balance is key.

From the moment that I first breathed in the world’s air, you knew what would become of me. Each inch of my body seizes from the cruel touch of depression. An overwhelming sensation that brings even the strongest to their knees. My first cries screamed your name knowing that I have just entered a world where hope is strong, but depression is stronger. You knew before I opened my eyes that one day, we would meet face to face. That I would look you in the eye and admit that “you own me.”

But, it’s for my own good, right? At least someone… someTHING… wants me.

Before I even understood who you are, you took my hand and led me to the darkest corners of the earth – my own mind. You blocked out any light that found a way through the cracks in the walls that you helped me build. Walls so tall and so strong that all I could see was you. No pleas for help could muster their way over the wall. No responses of hope could reach their way around. I was hidden.

But, it’s for my own good, right? No one really cares anyways.

You told me that the only way we could truly be together is if I join you away from this world. You told me that I would be better off – that everyone around me would be better off. You told me that no one would notice. You told me that this is what I deserve. Death. I believed you. I believed everything you said. Even on good days, I STILL BELIEVED YOU!

But, it’s for my own good, right? I wasn’t made for this world.

I tried to join you. I lied, I stole, I isolated myself. With every piece of my being, I wanted to join you. The darkness was my home. It was merely the light that was causing me pain. I needed to escape with the only way you taught me how – Death. I needed you. I needed you to help me join you. BUT YOU WEREN’T THERE! You left me alone the one time I pleaded for you to be there. Alone. Scared. Dying. You weren’t there. I couldn’t join you.

But, it’s for my own good, right? It wasn’t my time.

I tried to join you. And maybe I should be sorry that I didn’t. Maybe I should be sorry that my failures resulted in life. But, maybe you should be sorry that you destroyed so much of me. That the walls you helped me build may never be fully knocked down. That I still wish my every breath would be the last. Maybe you should be sorry that you choose to embrace me in your darkness. Why?

Because, it’s for my own good. I deserve more.

I deserve life.

And I promise you, I will do everything in my power to destroy you the same way you destroyed me. Even if you never leave and your grasp continues to tighten. I. Deserve. Life. And you, depression, have no place in that.

You don’t control me; I do.

Best,

Brae

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