I have recently been realizing that my dreams for my future may not be possible. and it’s killing me.
Ever since I was in treatment for ed, I have wanted to start a group home for girls with eating disorders. After being told I was so sick that I had about 6 months to live if I don’t turn things around. Yet, the treatment centre I had gone to for help had a 2 year waiting list to even begin outpatient counselling. That is not okay! When your options for help are suddenly diminished to just the hospital or nothing while waiting most of your hope disappears. That needs to change. It’s scary enough to reach out for help but to then be told that you can’t be helped for another 2 years…?? Even to just provide one more option for those struggling would make a difference.
But this is a dream. That’s just what it is. It can’t be reality. Not because I don’t want to work hard to achieve this but I don’t think these stubborn ed thoughts are going to go away. I look in the mirror and… fat. All I see is fat. I look at old pictures and genuinely miss being sick. Not for the attention. I hated the attention. But my own happiness. I feel like I was happier then. I was starving, I was absent, I was self-destructive… but I was “happy”. How am I supposed to walk alongside another victim of ed when I can barely walk on my own? How am I supposed to teach young girls to love every part of their being when I am doing the exact opposite? I HATE my reflection. I don’t use that term – hate – lightly. I hate my fat. I hate my scars. I hate the skin I am entrapped in. I don’t know how to love something that seems to have always let me down.
So, yes I am disappointed with myself. It makes me hate this illness even more. And although I haven’t even gotten to the point where this dream could even be played out, I know that it’s something that can’t happen for my own well being.
And so the grieving process begins. A sense of loss floods me. Feelings of failure knowing that my walking alongside another victim will cause me to once again become lost in the darkness of an eating disorder.