I’m Just Tired

Living.

Breathing.

Being.

It’s exhausting.

I eat breakfast and the curl back into bed. I play one song on the piano and then crawl under the covers. I clean off my desk and then lie down.

I’m not lazy.

I’m not lazy.

I’m not lazy.

I so desperately want to function like everyone else. Spend the day doing schoolwork and spend the evening laughing with friends. I want to write papers and read books and learn. I want to go out places and go on adventures. I want to feel safe to leave my cave. My bed.

But I’m so tired. The very act of breathing wears down my tired soul. But like clockwork, I breathe in and out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I don’t enjoy things anymore. I question if I ever have enjoyed things. How do you enjoy something that takes all energy from your being? How do you enjoy something that binds you to your bed after minutes of effort?

My friends tell me to leave my room. They tell me it’s not good to hide from my existance. My body aches at the thought of leaving. I wish I could scream at them to make them understand but I know they are right. I need to peel myself out of the darkness and face life again.

Some days, I leave my room for hours at a time. I spend the day in classes, in the library, with friends, etc. Life outside of these four walls. A smile may creep across my face but once again, I am reminded of my tired brain.

For once, let me be! Let me live out in the world! Let me be carefree and creative and loving and loved! Let me experience joy and peace! Let me feel freedom from these tendons that tie me to my hiding place!

Let

Me

Be

But alas, my brain wins. My body succumbs to its demands. Once again, I hide from living and return to barely surviving.

I’m not lazy.

I’m just tired.

 

 

xo,

Brae

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s