New Year, Same Me

It’s that time of the year where the darkness of night outweighs the light of the day. The cold encapsulates the morning air. Every breath outdoors burns in your lungs. Christmas has passed but the new year has yet to begin. We are constantly in a state of not knowing what day it is and there is no motivation to do anything. I could spend hours upon hours binge watching Netflix shows until 2am with no concern for the consequences to my energy the next day.

It’s also the time when we reflect on the past year. When I let out a small silent laugh thinking about the adventures I embarked on. The 20 chicken nuggets that overcame every part of my inner being. The spontaneous picnic in the middle of the forest off of a highway. The 28 hour road trip done in 3 days just to see a beautiful friend get married.

Many puzzles were finished.

Many people were hugged.

Many laughs were had.

My heart is filled with a plethora of joy and peace. I know I have been blessed beyond what I could have ever hoped for.

There have been many good days and no matter how hard I try, I can’t deny that 2017 leaves me scattered with good memories.

Yet, my mind races on the things that were hard or imperfect. The times when I said the wrong thing and was embarrassed for months after despite no one else noticing. The times when I burst into tears in a public place because I was overwhelmed. The times when I hurt friends or made them worried. The times when my car broke down in the middle of a Saskatchewan winter. The late night hospital runs. The tear-filled phone calls. The brokenness. The fear. The unknowns.

I desperately want to push these things aside and pretend they never happened but I cannot deny their existence. I want to imagine my life without all the bad moments but I can’t.

I can mourn the hard times.

I can celebrate the victories.

But I cannot regret any of it.

I tell myself this over and over again hoping that this truth will resonate within my mind. Yet, I continue to dwell on the things that could have been. I could have been a better friend. I could have been a better daughter. I could have lost more weight. I could have taken better care of myself. I could have done better in classes. The list goes on. Yet, I can’t go back and do things better. I can’t go back and fix everything to be as I want it to be. It’s time to move on.

As I enter into the new year, my hands quiver as the shut this door behind me. The past is past and I will move forward.

Here’s to hoping for a healthier and happier New Year!

Take a moment to remember your accomplishments and forget your faults. While tomorrow is a new year, your value and worth is unchanging.

You have survived 100% of your worst and hardest days. That is amazing!

xo,

Brae

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