Recovery?

I will never fully understand how the prison of an eating disorder took over my mind.

One moment, I looked into the mirror and saw a girl so dazed by her own beauty. Full stomach meant good food. Begging and pleading her sisters to let her borrow their crop top despite the evident chub that would protrude from the opening. Every birthday meant cake. Every Halloween meant candy. No care in the world about counting calories or measuring bodies. A sparkle sat in the corner of her eyes saying “I am beautiful.”

But then the next moment, the girl in the mirror changes. She only saw the absence of beauty. A full stomach meant time to purge. She hid in her room pleading to look different. Be different. Long sleeves to cover scars and fat. She did everything she could to look skinnier. Birthdays became filled with isolation. Halloween meant putting on the same mask she wore everyday, continuing to pretend she was okay. Numbers became everything. An obsession. Weight, calories, size. Everything measured her worth. Her eyes black and dull with no sense of freedom. No hope for freedom.

How did this happen?

How did I go from being so innocent and carefree to falling victim to my own mind?

I wish I could say that I am better now.

Healed.

Recovered.

But in fact, I am at the same place I was when I first felt trapped by anorexia. Only now, I don’t have the label because I am weight restored. I still see someone so broken when I look into the mirror. I am still afraid of leaving the comfort of my room because I don’t want people to see how fat I am. I still weep at the thought of never being skinny enough. I’m afraid I will never be loved because of the way I look.

But I don’t want to learn to accept my body the way it is.

I don’t want to learn to ignore society and just be.

I don’t want to just be “okay” with who I am.

I don’t want to settle.

I want to challenge the concept of learning to accept our bodies and challenge society as to why skinny is the beauty standard. I want to challenge the idea that fat is ugly. I want to challenge the diet culture. I want to challenge why our bodies became an issue.

I want to look in the mirror and say “f*** you, anorexia! You don’t determine our worth!”

And if I may, I want to challenge YOU too. Learn that worth isn’t measured in numbers. That compliments aren’t only for appearances. Food isn’t everything but it is an important thing to be healthy.

And most of all… learn to love yourself.

Take care, sweet friends.

National Eating Disorder Information Centre

Eating Disorder Hope

National Eating Disorder Association

xo,

Brae

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